(originally posted may 1st 2013 at vulnerablog.com)
I’ve been ‘taking it easy’ and I’ve been feeling pretty good. My mood has totally let up in the last week. I have been practicing gratitude, meditating, doodling, writing some love letters and distributing them, doing my grounding visualisation as well as visualising a new home and other good stuff.
Right this second I can feel that I’ve got the willies a bit, a nagging doubt that wants to come in and threaten my dreaming. I want to acknowledge this doubt and remind myself that I am the creator of my life, that it is GOOD and NECESSARY and WONDERFUL for me to dream and imagine my life into being.
It’s so interesting to notice.
There’s this fearful voice inside that likes to say things like ‘you’re mad’ and ‘nothing will ever come of this’ and ‘don’t embarrass yourself by telling other people’ and ‘you are out of your mind’ and ‘you wait until you get depressed again’ and ‘it only works for other people because they have a power and skills that you don’t have’ and ‘you’re just ridiculous and TOO optimistic’ etc etc.
And then there’s the other part of me that watches and hears and listens to all of this. This part of me says gently ‘its just fear speaking’ and ‘those thoughts are coming from the past’ and ‘its just a thought, not the truth’ and ‘its up to you to CHOOSE your thoughts NOW’ and ‘it is safe and creative for you to think empowering and nurturing thoughts’ and ‘don’t worry about the worry thoughts, they come but they have no power over you’ and ‘you know, THE WAY is to tune into appreciation, visualise and stay DEVOTED to your path’ etc etc.
I am being present with myself recognising all of this and I am determined to remain present, to BE, to breathe, to allow, to CHOOSE to practice nurturing thoughts, feelings, imaginings, writings, drawings, picturings . . .
Basically conjuring up a powerful brew of what I want, of what I am aligning myself with, of what I am ALLOWING.
One thing I know for sure, is that when I am imagining, when I am visualising, when I amfeeling gratitude, when I am finding and looking for things to appreciate, when I ampretending, when I am sitting still and taking time to go within, into my imagination, into my senses, deliberately conjuring up images, sounds, sights, smells, tastes, feelings, emotions . . . That despite whether or not it brings to me that of which I am in frequency with, it certainly brings me all the energy of that RIGHT NOW, as I feel it, as I hear it, as I sense it RIGHT NOW. Whether it brings to me great stuff in the future, when the future comes it will only be NOW again. And when I find myself in NOW again I can choose whether to get caught up in the drama and threats and doubts and attacks of the fear mind, or, I can choose to deliberately spend my time consciously brewing up a fantastic vibrant concoction of utter contentment and serenity, NOW.
It’s a bloody good way to deliciously spend my time.
I’ve been noticing recently how well I have done in this endeavour so far. I remember 5 years ago thinking that I would never be able to monitor my thoughts let alone create and think ‘good’ ones purposely.
But I started trying.
In the beginning it was insanely difficult. My mind was so rapid with desperation and/or anxiety that I was convinced that in order to ‘be ok’ I would have to eliminate EVERY SINGLE negative twitter that went off in my mind.
I became terrified of negative thoughts and totally believed that if I had one the Universe would be trashed in a nano second.
And I’d be responsible.
I then began to write affirmations in thick black marker pen on sheets of white A4 paper and I posted them up everywhere, including all over my ceiling and I china graphed affirmations all over my mirrors.
Like I said, I was terrified of having a negative thought.
I really truly believed that I was doing the best thing. That I was saving my life by hammering into myself these affirmative statements in every given conscious moment.
Conscious moments were few and far between.
I would be conscious, start affirming and then drift off into some crazy twisted future scenario where some serious shit would be going down, some kind of evil communication going off between me and someone else, someone I was afraid I had upset in some way. Then I’d catch myself. Freak out. And affirm my pants off again. Then drift and catch myself in some horrendous future scenario where I would be desolate, crazy, helpless, dribbling. Then I’d catch myself again, freak out and affirm, affirm, affirm, affirm . . . .
Conscious. Unconscious. Conscious. Unconscious, unconscious, unconscious, unconscious . . . Conscious . . .
I would cycle to work and damn right make sure that every push down on a peddle would be accompanied by ‘I AM a good teacher’, push ‘I AMMMM a good teacher’ . . . Because I totally didn’t believe it.
Oh my word. What a way to live. Not nice. HARD bloody work.
It took me a while to finally figure it out that it was not my thoughts that were my problem, but my frequency.
It took me a long bloody while to get it that I was reinforcing my negativity by pushing it away.
It took me a good long while and a hell of a lot of grief to really get it that I was harming myself. That I was pushing back an energy that I needed to allow some space for, to see it, to feel it, to know it, before I could even begin to think of imagining myself without it.
It took me a while to see, to acknowledge, to know that I had horrendous daemons inside.
Super duper freaky fucked off ones.
Inner daemons get stronger when denied. Like, really strong.
Man alive! It was scary as you like letting them rise. Absolutely terrifying. Absolutely monstrously frightening. But it had to happen. I could not deny it any further. I just did not have the strength, the capability, the energy to push it away anymore. I had to let it come and devour me, over and over and over again.
I have total respect and admiration for myself now, for having been able to navigate through those heavy scary times without seriously damaging myself or anyone else.
Unmedicated and totally sober.
I had pure murder and hatred in me. Wretched, violent venom. Rageful, spitting and stabbing freaky fury. Sheer twisted maniacal anger and revenge.
Oooh. It was awful. HARD to be with.
But I did it. I got through. Two plus years of regular hits of the demonic. Ouch.
And now! Well! My daemons are still there. It’s just that we are acquainted now. We know of each other. I feel my daemons getting provoked or wanting expression and I notice and acknowledge them straight away. I do my best to witness them. I’ll create some space to be with them. I’ll close my eyes and allow its essence to show itself to me. It’s usually like a crazy red eyed spiky monster that makes quick ragged darting moves. It likes to stab, rip, tear, attack, stomp, chew and shred whatever or whoever it is livid with. And I allow it. I tap my EFT points and sit with it, watching the whole thing occur inside me. It likes fire and turning things to dust too.
I also speak up for myself a lot more. I Stand on my own side. I Allow myself, in all my wholesomeness, to share.
And with giving some time to my dark side I have a much more open arena for my light work, my imaginings, my affirmations. And because there is ample space in there, there is no more the desperation and anxiety of trying to hold it back. Instead, there is just space for it all to occur and be allowed. And with its being allowed it is not as strong.
What you resist persists.
When I affirm and visualise and imagine nowadays it is with EASE, centredness and gentleness.
I am NOT doing it just to prevent something nasty from appearing on my future horizon. I am doing it because it feels good NOW. I am not doing it through worrying about how I’m going to prevent myself from severely fucking up in the time ahead. I am doing it because it feels so bloody good NOW. I am not doing it because I can’t handle certain darker aspects of myself. I am doing it because it feels really good NOW. I am not doing it because I am afraid of feeling. I am doing it because I am CHOOSING to feel WONDERFUL NOW.
God bless the present moment. It is rich, juicy, succulent, profound, amazing. It is an easy portal to WHAT IS. It is NOW. It is the gateway to balance. The tardis that takes you anywhere, because anywhere is right here, right now, within.
When I was rushing around like a maniac, trying to make things work, make things happen, organise, control, I didn’t have time for the present moment. Sorry. Too busy for that. Too much stuff to do, to think about, to analyse, to work out. And I wasn’t particularly getting anywhere.
When I STOPPED and let everything collapse, let everything crash; myself, my work, my beliefs, my structures, my routines, I got present.
I got present and now I’m pretty well practiced. It’s becoming habitual. I’m becoming unconsciously competent at ‘being’ mindful.
It is such a beautiful way to live, to be.
EASE, EFFORTLESSNESS and GRACE.
‘Take your time’ in the present moment, don’t rush it.