(originally posted at www.vulnerablog.com on March 22nd 2013)
So, right now I’m curbing a deep depression.
I’m remedying myself with abundant rest and gentle self talk.
For me, my pattern has been that when I begin to start spiralling into depression my Inner Critic kicks off big time. The voices in my head belong to my inner critic. She can be sneaky and vile. Sometimes she’s loud, sometimes she’s silent, others she’s amazingly outrageous and quite funny. She likes to slice into me at my most vulnerable point; feeling guilty for ‘not doing’, not contributing, not saving the world! (As if!)
She used to be so intense and overwhelming that at one point (in my past thank god) I started having visions of hacking my head off with a big jagged piece of rusty metal. I understand now that that was my mind clearly letting me know that she couldn’t contain that kind of pressure anymore. It wasn’t that long after, that I first went to see a doctor, and after a screwed up 7 month journey through the UK mental health system I received the bipolar 1 badge. I refused meds. Anyway, I’m digressing (but also punching in bits of my ‘story’).
4 years of consciously working with, not against, my inner critic I have a different experience with her now. She can still slice me to the core, but I have to be really unaware to not notice her creeping up on me. I hear her clearly and loudly. But she’s creative and continues to try to find new ways to get under my skin, into my head, and driving my thoughts.
There are a few things that I have taken on to soothe her presence in me and one of these has been saying affirmations. My affirmative language was initially born from practicing EFT, the ‘I love and accept myself’ phrase. And then I flooded myself with Louise Hay recordings. But when I was really in the shit I would pray and pray and pray for help and guidance and in absolute raging distress I would speak, think or start writing to myself messages such as these –
All is well. Just breathe. Everything is working out. You are not on your own. It is ok to feel. You are doing remarkably well. There is nothing wrong with you. Your heart is opening and clearing. It is ok to feel this pain. You are a beautiful being. I love you so deeply. I complete accept you just as you are right now. I love you, I love you, I love you.
I would wrap my own arms around me, I would mindfully stroke my face and my hair and my back, I would kiss my hands and fingers, and whisper to myself like a distraught fairie godmother. I would hold my heart and feel and thank for this angelic wisdom that would be embracing me in my despair. I would cry, and cry and cry and I would lay myself down and wrap myself up and reassure myself into bed and slumber. And I would wake up still alive.
This would occur regularly. And still does.
Here’s some words about depression from Abraham-Hicks x I deeply appreciate these gentle allowing words xx